But I want a baby too!

This morning we had an appointment with my doctor to "review our options". They fit me in for an 11:45am appointment so that I'd be the last appointment before lunch and the doctor would have plenty of time to spend with us. Well, we drive to Rockville (about a 45 minute drive) to the office and go into the building we'd been to so many times before. The building I had gone to when I was in labor with my son a few years earlier before being sent on to the hospital. The building we had been to just a few weeks earlier and left with our "goodie bag" full of everything an expectant mom needs to get off to a good pregnancy. Walking into that office today felt surreal. I looked around at all the moms with big protruding pregnant belly's and tried my hardest to hold myself together. We sat in that waiting room forever watching all those belly's and listening to a broadcast on the TV in the waiting area repeating the same message over and over about taking good care of yourself when your pregnant. I sat there with my husband and quietly sobbed, going through tissue after tissue all the while being quite aware that everyone around me was wondering what on earth was wrong with me. Everyone except anyone who worked in the office, who seemed unaware of the anguish a mother-to-be who had just been told hours before that she had lost her baby would feel sitting mere feet away from so many clearly pregnant mothers for over an hour.

At this point, my body was showing no signs that it knew anything was wrong with the pregnancy, so I continued to feel nauseated and have to pee constantly. When I could hold it no longer and it didn't seem like they would be calling us back anytime soon, I approached the reception desk to ask if I could use the bathroom or if I still needed to leave a urine sample (when you're pregnant, you get the pleasure of peeing in a cup at every doctors visit and I wasn't sure given that our baby had no heartbeat if I still needed to do this or not). Well, apparently none of the staff seemed aware why I was there or what my situation was. The initial woman I asked said she wasn't sure. Then another nurse walked up and into the conversation and asked me if I was a "GYN" patient or an "OB" patient. Well, I lost it. The previous quiet sobbing turned into big, loud sobs and I tried to tell them that my baby had no heartbeat. Thank goodness they took me right back to the bathroom and then put my husband and I in a room in the back to wait for the doctor so I didn't have to sit there with all those other women any longer. We were not off to a good appointment.

A few minutes later the doctor came in and was very sympathetic and took as long as we needed to answer all of our questions. He even did another sonogram right there in the office to ease my fears that there could have been a mistake. Maybe this was all a mistake and really everything was fine. It didn't make any sense...I still felt so pregnant. In the end, we decided to schedule a D & C to be done Thursday morning at their surgery center in Northern Bethesda. The rest of the day feels like a blur and one I'd like to forget.